THE NOT-SO HOT POWER PLAYERS OF HOLLYWOOD

Hollywood has its own hotness scale and I don't share its opinion on what male should get top dollar. For women the scale is super skinny, full lips, huge fake boobs and hair extensions. For men it seems HOLLY is going for a smaller type male mainly because women are getting smaller and younger so the leading role for a male has to go to the smallest guy out there. It's sickening to say the least. We women need real men who can kick the crap out of other men and big fake computerized monsters, not skinny girlie men with no....well you get the point. Here are the men who get the big time movie roles but who I think ARE NOT HOT!! In no particular order...

#1 Tom Cruise: Yep I said it. Tom is not HOT. Tom is not just a weird couch jumper who whores around after taller women than him, but his charisma is down, down, down. He got a little too Risky about his Business and maybe one mistress and one wife left would have kept us wooing, but 3 or 4? Not so much. You Tom, are not hot.


#2 Jude Law: I get so tired of looking at Jude. Hey Jude, take a sad song and make it better...but you don't. You just make it worse. You are way too skinny, I need some man meat okay. No guy I find attractive is gonna go flying off with any kite we decide to fly together. No offense, but like Tom you are way too girlie for my liking and your accent makes you sound even girlier....not to mention your getting it on with your nanny. Ew.



#3 Brad Pitt: Brad has this annoying hairy caveman thing going on. I hate kissing men with beards. Don't get me wrong, men with goatee's are friggin HOT, but Grizzly Adams is way too Brillo-pad stinky for any female turn on. Plus, Brad just isn't hot anymore. He seems so into his Bragelina romps for any other woman to escape into Bradland and quite frankly ever since "A River Runs Through It" Brad has sucked it up with the movies. Brad is excused from the Hot roster mainly for his hairy bad movie and gross life partner act....



#4 Mel Gibson: I used to Love you like Juliet loved Romeo Mel, but you blew it. You and your capitalizing on the suffering of the Savior was too much for me and that goes without your drunk driving and your currently gallivanting around with your mistress after leaving your wife and 7 children. DIS GUST ING. You Mel, are no longer HOT....oh yea, and you are an anti-Semite. YO!
Oh and lay off the booze, it's giving you puffy bags under your eyes....uggly.



#5 George Clooney: George you are way too opinionated and you hurt the ears of us who know more than you. You are a primadonna movie star that thinks you and you alone can save Haiti. You are not attractive because you can't commit to one woman. Most men will think that is a bonus and want to be you, but to women....that sucks. Kudos for not marrying and cheating, but at some point your pecker has got to find a home. Sorry folks, a little rated R. George is not HOT!



#6 Johnny Depp: I know I may get killed for this one but I don't care. Johnny as a pirate, Willy Wonka or some weirdo in Alice in Weirdoland, Johnny is not HOT. Johnny has some disclaimer in his blood that says you can't rip on him because he can "act". Not me, don't care. He may be able to act like a pirate but he is not attractive. He is greasy and probably does more drugs than CVS. He likes France more than the USA and that kills the deal. Johnny looks like a strung out crackhead....PERIOD.



Just keeping it real.

Marilyn Monroe

WANTED: POSTS BY SINGLE DUDES OR CHICKS...BRING IT!!

I would love to have some single or married MAN perspective...and of course more from the ladies....send posts to mormonmaxipad@gmail.com

SWEATIN' THE SMALL STUFF....LIKE WE ALWAYS DO!

FEMINISM AND THE MORMON WOMAN

In the modern world feminism has more to do with victimology than it does with the empowerment of women. Feminists of today have attempted to place women in a political and philosophical box rather than define womanhood through true equality. Feminism has been defined by contemporaries as a woman's right to get an abortion. Termed "reproductive rights" the feminist factions of today hyper-focus on this issue and are one dimensional ideologues inflecting women as weak victims who need elitist academics to define their roles in society, rather than each woman determining her own destiny. A pro-life woman is a product of "the man" and her weak psyche when in reality a pro-life woman probably has more control over her life than one who believes abortion is proper birth control. The pro-life woman is more likely to act responsibly in her sex life and to assume that pro-life women are uneducated celibates is ludicrous stereotyping. We are very aware of our vagina's and how babies are made thank you and it may shock most of you to know we are ladies on the street and freaks in the sheets.
As Mormon women, we are up against a machine of imposed self-centered criteria that places women in categories that are detrimental to women and our cause of equality and self-determination. To be a feminist by today's standards you must be career and education driven, sexually liberated and promiscuous, deem all men misogynists and prefer these qualities to motherhood or wife-hood.
A traditional view of women is not accepted in today's feminist definition of liberation. If you are a stay at home mom, love your husband, go to church and like it, then you are oppressed and an affront to all women in the 21st century. How is a woman's right to "choose" what is best for her oppression? And why does the worlds definition of womanhood discount a woman embracing traditional values? If you are truly liberated according to feminist philosophy, you must shun religious and traditional thought. Sounds like a police state of thought and a one dimensional thinking. Women have begun to thrive on their victimhood rather than empowering themselves as individuals. We have become collective thought mongers who define what is and is not oppressive. Deranged, paranoid and psychologically confused are most women of today. We are expected to have careers, raise families, get an education, hold church callings and prance around like sophisticates of each genre we subscribe to. Church and the world are subscriptions we must filter as both are in conflict categorically most of the time.
Education is essential to all people. Women, Mormon or non-religious should and must educate themselves and statistically LDS women are highly educated and comparatively so to the rest of society. Women from all walks of life should be praised for whatever it is they choose to do, as long as they are asserting their agency and not succumbing to advert pressure from a domineering man or political philosophy.
Mormon women can and should embrace many aspects of modern feminism. Women in the church have a long way to go as far as being deemed equal intellects and contributors to church hierarchy. But these things are culturally and traditionally based, not doctrinally and that topic is a different post. Suffice us all to say, that religious and traditional women should get the same out-crying support that non-religious career-minded women get from activist groups, and yet....we don't. But as an LDS woman I must maintain a higher and differing standard than the world because for me I am different than a male and I in no way shape or form want to make masculine my femininity. This is the danger. Soon we are all humans with no gender or definitive life roles. I am woman hear me roar....but please don't make me take out the trash. Asserting our sexual power and getting to watch just as many naked hot men in movies and on TV is what I call women's lib. Yep, as soon as the number of hot guys pictured in ads and in magazines are equal to the amount of hot skanky pictures of women then the world is really changing and embracing our equality. Until then, we are oppressed.

Madonna

LYING LIARS WHO TELL LIES....GUYS

I love men, I really do. I like their masculinity and at the same time I want to slap their testosterone into the millennium. Now I am not saying that women are walking bags of potato chips with nothing but salty goodness on them, but men are frankly lousy until they reach the age of 40 and have been trained by a nagging bitch wife for a good 15 years, and then they die of wife stress. It's true, don't make me hit you.
A friend of mine recently met a guy on a dating website. U-huh I know, but don't act like you all don't troll those gay things cuz you do. Anyway the dude was very flirty and texted her often, emailed her and they even talked on the phone for hours a couple of times. They had good conversations and it looked like a good time to finally meet. They met at a freaking lake and went to the girls house to chat further. Now this moron had to take care of some maintenance like how he wasn't interested in having anymore kids, why he got divorced, what kind of underwear he wore, how he likes his coffee yadda yadda yadda....shut the hell up already dude!!! And yet, said girl thought well maybe he was nervous and was just being goofy and thought that even though he was a weirdo turdball maybe she would give him one more chance to be the funny nice guy from the phone, text and email, cuz that guy was no where to be found that night at the lake. So the date or whatever it was ended and she received the following email the very next day:

Sydney,
Thank you for going on a walk and hanging out the other night.

I met someone a few weeks back and we clicked but I didn't here back from them and was moving on, you know I don't date more than one gal at a time. I guess she had a family death and was out of town and is now back. We are going to give it a try and see what happens.

I don't want you to think I am one of those guys that doesn't call or anything. But, I wanted to give you the heads up.

Sincerely,
Eric



Ummm OK doofus moranus didn't know we were dating after one meeting at a lake to check each other out. Also, didn't know you needed to break-up with me after one meeting at a lake to check each other out. Nice form letter and memo: to: Eric....the kid thing is a major deal breaker so get over yourself.
OK so not all guys are Rainman, but for the most part they have illusions of single Mormon women falling all over them in desperation. These divorced single Mormon guys are from hell ladies, run. Run far, far away. Generally speaking....

MORE HOTTIES FROM THE MMP

This next hottie group of men are men who may not be the conventional, mainstream, universally opinioned hotties, but to me for various reasons, they are hott!

First is Jack Black: Dude is talented and funny. For me a lot of times funny trumps the six-pack. I can get just as many goose-bumps from a funny guy that I get from straight up lustrous hotness. I like it and it translates to excitement for my eye-balls as well. Mental stimulation sometimes does it...


Number 2 is Will Ferrell: Will Ferrell is not known for his looks. In fact I know a lot of women who gag when they see Will and a lot hate his raunchy sense of humor. This is precisely what turns me on about Will. I love dirty humor, the raunchier the better and Will is the master. He cracks me up and I would make-out and rub his hairy chest like it was an advertisement for a rip-master! Will is hot for his ability to make me laugh...sometimes it's about our funny bone and not our....well you get the point.


Number 3 is Eminem: I know for a Mormon I should be disgusted by Eminem, truth is, I'm not and as a writer I know how hard it is to pen poetry and the dude is a genius. Intellectually superior and the bad boy most women want to fix. I can't resist a puzzle and Eminem is a mystery that must be cracked. His issues are shouted from the radio waves and he makes no apologies. Therapeutic for the tormented male soul. His mommy issues make you want to nurture his self-destructive ways and admittedly so, I find this attractive. Twisted attraction....it's explosive!


Number 4 is Colin Firth: All women love sexual tension and all women love men who hate them. There is a thin line between love and hate and Mr. Darcy wreaks of cocky arrogance, the kind we love and hate. Colin is no conventional hottie, but one arrogant glance and you want him. Colin is Euro-hott!


Number 5 is Kevin James: I love Kevin James. He is as dumb as a rock and for that he is a genius. He has made millions tapping into the dumb male psyche and he is every man. Funny as hell and I like a funny guy! He makes my list no problem and his lips are luscious...HEEEYY!


And last but not least Guy Fieri: I love love love Guy! I love his personality. I love his bad boy look and I love that he seems like a family guy that knows how to party! His bling, tattoo's and lingo are hott. He is someone I could hang around and never get bored because he is a happy guy. I like happy people who see the fabulous in life amid all the shiz. Guy is money and I like the way he rolls. He would be a great roll in the hay and I would roll him any old day of the week! Triple D love right here! YO!


The only opinion that matters...mine. :)

Readings From a Girl's Mind

Have you boys ever had a girlfriend or just a friend who was a girl who seemed to have serious issues accepting herself, and perhaps were unable to understand why? If you have, I'd like to present you with a fairly accurate portrait of the thoughts of one of these ladies. Why is this helpful, you ask? Well, the next time you're tempted to talk down your last blind date to your guy friends because of her loud voice, irritating laugh, bad teeth or large nose, please remember that a little of the girl below resides in every woman you'll ever meet - even the ridiculously gorgeous and confident ones. And if you can manage it, leave your criticism to a short, honest, "She's just not my type."


There's an annoying version of me who likes to offer unsolicited advice and criticism at all times, an omnipresent voice in my head. Our conversations often sound a little like this:

“Which direction today?” I ask the girl in my head, as I try to make myself look decent for a date. She often likes to show up and direct me in a "don't get too full of yourself" pep talk at times like these.

“Well, let me tell you, getting a guy is like trying to make a really massive purchase. Beauty’s a whole lot like cash – it’s easy, it’s fast. Accepted everywhere, beauty is the most direct track to what you want. Then there’s personality. I like to think of personality as more like credit. If there’s no actual cash to back it up, you’re not going anywhere fast. And not everybody takes the kind that you have, but credit’s very useful. Most places like to know that you have good credit before they trust you with a significant loan, car, house, etc. Similarly, boys appreciate you having a good personality score, although some of them will flat out refuse you because you’re the wrong type. And then there's...”

“Intelligence,” I mumble. I know where this is going, and I wonder for a moment why I’m listening.

“Yes, what about intelligence?”

“Intelligence is like a savings account from which you can never make an extraction. Guys like the way it sounds, but they really don’t consider it as being of much use to them. Bottom line, it’s not helping.”

“Too right it’s not. And how did we classify you?”

“Upper end of intelligence spectrum, low to middling amounts of beauty, and what seems to be a really hideous personality if you’re not looking closely enough.”

"Yup. Good job, I think you're about ready for your date, don't you?"

I sigh. “It would be so nice to be as pretty as I am smart…I could just switch them - be average to a little above in intelligence (because that’s really all boys need), and a little further from average in the looks department. Everything would be so much easier..."

She laughs at me. “Don’t forget that personality of yours, hon.”

“Oh, yeah. Ah...it would be so nice to just be someone else...There's just so much that's wrong with me...”

Satisfied, the harsh other-me gets up to leave. “And don’t you forget it.”


And Ladies... Don't think you're getting off scott-free on this post. This one's a reminder for you too - we need to play nicely a lot more often, girls. This is why. We know how much it sucks to hear fourth hand that this or that girl thinks we're trampy, rude, stuck-up, ugly, etc. This post is my plea to you as much as to boys: don't bad-mouth girls when they're not around. Even the annoyingly hot ones with every boy you've ever wanted slavering all over them. I'm not perfect, so don't feel like I'm chastising you from my Clydesdale or anything. Even though I've been guilty of this too, I know how much I hate it when it comes back to me. If you've ever felt like this, please. Start playing nice with the other kids.

Jacky Faber

The Problem Lies In....

A few days ago, I ran across a post entitled "Unreasonable Expectations" in the May archives of bycommonconsent.com, a Mormon blogsite. The post was an interesting meditation on the little things that make marriage tick - specifically things of the looking good for your spouse variety. Although far from the ball and chain myself (haha), I was intrigued by the author's take on making an effort to be hot even after children - and he wasn't suggesting a big, chauvinistic liposuction/peroxide overhaul, either. The author began with the story of a stake member's divorce from his wife for a younger woman, due, according to his ex, to her weight gain during their marriage. Interesting as was the story itself, however, the comments were even better. While the women commenting denounced with cheerful vitriol the unnamed divorcee for his actions, even if it was more than his wife's weight gain that caused the split, a very blunt man (as only men can so marvelously and unfortunately be) hopped on the comments and simply stated that women all underestimate how important it is to men that we look good.

I have to wonder a little at this man's reasoning. Perhaps it stems from the "love me as I am" rhetoric that our self-esteem-obsessed culture loves to spout? And he felt that women take it much too far in excusing their weight, skin, looks, whatever? Possibly. I'm a little surprised at his view, though. I feel that women are all too conscious of the importance of looking hot enough. And I'm not just pointing out the women who starve themselves almost literally to death or spend all their time at the gym. I think our society likes to remind us FAR more than is necessary that men like unquestionably stunning women.

Did this man realize that this is a ready-made excuse for women to only improve their appearance? I realize that there's a fair share of high school boys and Peter Pans out there who'd love a woman with nothing but a fine ass and a thick head of silky hair and perfect skin, but those men grow mercifully fewer as they grow up. At the very least, men want a girl who can prop up her leg of a conversation, am I right? And most would like one with a decent amount of intelligence, confidence, and compassion. To say nothing of one who's not going to spend her life nagging her man. It's a dangerous thing, this telling women that the number one prerequisite for men is a great face, or boobs, or legs, butt, flat stomach, etc. Because, while I willingly admit that this is important to men, I think men make too big a deal of talking about it. It's not that I don't think they have a right to lust after hot women. I know I practice my own God-given right to lust after them, so by any child's law of fairness I cheerfully accept it. Men just don't also make it a point to say that hot AND interesting must usually come together.

I would argue that in fact, women everywhere underestimate the importance of interesting, as opposed to the importance of hot. And I'm going to say that it would help us all out if men reminded us more often how hot interesting is. Why don't they? Seriously. A great deal of men LOVE the way a woman looks if she spends her every waking hour with a personal trainer, stylist, or commission-paid salesperson. If they ever have the good fortune (or misfortune, I suppose) to meet this woman, I have no doubt that a large number of them would spend every hour with her wishing they were somewhere else while she talked about her new skirt and shoes, whether she should go blond again, and how long she spent on a treadmill today. [And ladies, if you do take good care of yourself, I'm not calling you vapid. Please don't think that. I make an effort to do the same. I am, however, saying that if all you ever did with your time was take good care of yourself, you might be.] So, reason number one for men to find another platform for their "Ways Women Should Work Harder If They Want Dates" campaign - you may very well be improving the look of your selection, but it's not going to matter all THAT much if the girl you pick is horrible, quiet, or just downright boring. Oh, and don't think you're getting off on the "Well, at least there'll be more hotties for me to make out with" argument - just see mormon bachelor pad's last three paragraphs from "How To Kiss" of last month for my rebuttal. :)
Neither boys nor girls should ever forget that men appreciate more than just a pretty face.

Jacky Faber

Jacky is a guest author here at MMP and we think she should be a permanent one! Thanks Jacky...

JUST FOR FUN...WHO'S HOT and WHO'S NOT??

Yea so I lust a little....er a lot. Who doesn't? Men really think that women sit around and talk about knitting and recipes and I am here to inform you men that we talk about you, your junk, your butt and your hotness and not hotness. Yep we women have libidos and we lust and fantasize just like dudes. We can be crude and when I get together with my single older married ladies, yep we talk about SEX! We talk about it a lot and we are as crude as a dude and would make even the foulest man blush. So let me introduce you to some of my lusts...ladies feel free to speak your nasty minds and let me know who is HOT and who is NOT!!
Oh Baby you are HOT!
Josh Lucas...You are my number one HOTT lust. I like the bad boys! Oh yes I do...

Ryan Reynolds...are you freaking kidding me?? Be a good boy and take your shirt off...

Shemar Moore...please don't say a word just let me look at you!! Milky Milky Cocoa Puffs!!

Channing Tatum...Good golly! Eye candy! Lips like sugar...

David Beckham....yea you are naughty and hot! I like you a lot!

Who is not? No picture for these bags: Jude Law: a freaking girl Tom Cruise:A freaking freak Brad Pitt: freaking MO FO Use to be hot but then did too many plastic surgeries and hair plugs: Matthew McConaughey: freaking plastic

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

I have a need for some more single writers. Women or men, Mormon or not....send me your funny, lame and scary dating experiences. I need some single women griping about life in singledom and I would love for some guys to give some input about women...it's all anonymous!! Just send your post to mormonmaxipad@gmail.com and you will get published....Even the R rated ones!! Thank You.

Growing Up the Project

Ever since I can remember, I have always been the project of the ward. For Mormons, it seems like we always have to be saving someone, it's what we do. We take brownies to the in-actives and are all-around do-gooders in society, our neighborhoods and of course our wards. We seek out the weak and become co-dependant baby-sitters of other people's pathetic lives. My parents were divorced when I was 5 and growing up in a "single-parent" home always dubbed me and my family the "project" in need of extra special attention. It gave the more ideal families something to do and something to be proud about, NOT being broken and all. Our situation was less than ideal and for me this is the life that has offered me many issues of course, but a lot of empathy and realness as well.
I remember one time in relief society a woman telling an experience about her more than ideal up-bringing. Her parents nightly sang to her "Teach me to Walk in the Light" before tucking her safely into bed while birds turned down her covers and singing mice did her chores while she slept. I gagged a little with some jealousy, but it was the comment that proceeded her story that caught my attention. A woman raised her hand and said that while she appreciated the wonderful upbringing of this other woman, she didn't have that experience growing up. She went on to explain that she came from a broken home with a lot of dysfunction and abuse and yet, she was here in church doing what she was supposed to do and is still a good Mormon. Her comment resonated with me. Why is it we less than desirables always end up becoming labeled and ward projects? Never mind that we have overcome far more than the average LDS member to prove our immovable faith. Ignore the fact that we are stalwart members who are breaking the chain of dysfunction and ignorance in our families making us pioneers. No credit is given to our complete devotion to our religion despite what was taught to us by our less than ideal families. Each generation doing better than the one before, it's what we are supposed to do...progress despite the mess.
I have more often than not been the assumptive member who is on the verge of releasing the Iron Rod and taking up residence in the tall and spacious building and have been labeled "the wild one" appropriately so, but make no mistake, it's not a flattering nor an accurate title. Now that I am older I am slipping further and further into the camp of "I don't care" which for all attempts and purposes, is not such a good thing. My filter is becoming more like a chain link fence with many things getting through uncensored. It sends me further down speculation highway with heads shaking and minds wandering, but for me I have no desire to appease the temptation to conform. So for now, make me some brownies and pray for me. I may just dip into the river of darkness, like you think I will. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy of insinuated future behavior.
I salute you Mormon women who are strong and faithful despite the messiness of life. I honor your fortitude and am in awe of your continued strength, despite what many may or may not label you. You amaze me. I admire those who look at their situations and life and move to quickly repair and make better vs. those who have known only harmony and ease. Your lives while admirable are not a testimony of courage, but one of provided opportunity. Nothing wrong with that, but don't assume the rest of us will falter in our ditches. We all know what it means when you ass u me...


Chelsea Clinton

ANALYZE THIS...

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f**k on." ~Tupac Shakur

As women, especially single women (okay maybe that is just my frame of reference because I am single) we have a tendency to analyze and OVER- analyze everything! It is one of my pet peeves! It drives me crazy when I catch myself doing it, and it makes me even more crazy when my girl friends find themselves caught in the vicious loop of seemingly never ending “what if’s.” Such a big part of avoiding this is having a little confidence. STOP second guessing everything. I am not sure what it is about being female that leaves us so vulnerable to this colossal waste of time and energy. One seemingly unimportant example of this is found in the following experience: I was talking to my friend Jane, and she was literally falling all over herself because a certain male friend had called and asked her to join him for a trip to a Suns Basketball game last week. In an effort to avoid assuming anything Jane asked this gentleman how much the tickets would cost, intending to pay for hers. He proceeded to tell her “I’ve got the tickets.” Rather than just being insanely excited and grateful, Jane proceeded to worry and analyze over every possible implication for the better part of the day leading up to the game. Now correct me if I am making assumptions, but my advice to her was, Say “Thank you!” Have a great time at the game and offer to pay for snacks or drinks at the game if you are feeling the need to contribute to the evening. Don’t ruin the anticipation of the event by analyzing before hand. Oh and BTW analyzing after the fact is useless too! We can’t change events that have already happened and we can’t force the things to come. As women we need to be confident, strong, and stop worrying about what other people think, it doesn’t matter. Be true to yourself and to your choices that is where strong powerful women are found. And when we exhibit strength and power that is what we attract to ourselves in people and experiences.

Miss Bennett

***Names changed to protect the worrier

JUDGMENTAL CALL

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. ~ Mother Theresa


I have to admit I have been extremely judgmental lately. Not in the sense of I am better than you because I keep the commandments with more precision and accuracy, but in the sense of you are self-righteous and I don't like you. I judge the judgmental, but isn't that the same thing? I suppose I am judging the self aptitude of what each individual Mormon deems important to obtain celestial glory. But it's all judgment and quite frankly I can judge with the best of them.
In-active Mormons judge the pompous Mormons who they think sit around and gag at their weak drive to be valiant. Some grandiose Mormons cringe at the casualness of some LDS folks and actually think that a persons salvation is tied to their caffeine consumption. Self-righteous Mormons judge the half-baked Mormons who go to church but show up 10 to 15 minutes late and might even take the sacrament with OMG, their left hand. They are called back row Mormons or Jack Mormons and are clearly not leadership material and surely you can't trust them to organize a ward activity that will be completely brag worthy. Categorically speaking, Mormons are judgmental and I feel the need at times, to judge the judging.
Is watching to occasional R rated movie really the slippery slope to more grievous sins and future drug and porn addiction? Or is it a matter of obedience that we follow the trivial and completely ridiculous interpretations of what is required to enter into God's glory? I once had a visiting teacher scold me for not attending a Women's Conference as directed by the Stake President. Really? Am I kicked out of the top kingdom for such frivolity? I told her literally to come down and visit me in the Telestial kingdom sometime when she has a chance for she is much better than I. Her harsh judgment is what I judge. It is nonsense to attach my heavenly reward to such trivial matters. And so I judge with harshness the judgment of the haughty and Pharisee type Mormons who attach our salvation to their own perfection and not Christs atonement. I need the atonement and for all of the meetings I skip and callings I say no to, I presume He will make up the difference. After all I can do does not mean creating silly requirements equivalent to the doctrine of leaving the lights on so you don't have to work by flipping a switch on the Shabbat. And yet, we must watch closely lest we slip into disbelief. But for me go ahead and judge, because you better believe I am judging you....harshly.
Women judge women the harshest of all. We take one look at another woman and make a complete assessment up and down about her. She dresses like crap, she hasn't lost her baby weight yet, her husband is a dork and doesn't make very much money, she would look better if she wore her hair this way....and on and on and on. It's all true. Women are petty. We are the judges and the jury's of not only our spiritual selves, but also a woman's ability to have one foot in the tall and spacious building while playing the good Mormon part. The admonition is not "judge not" the admonition is to judge righteously and yet how can we know what is truly in a another woman's heart? So we are all in the same judgment boat of sinking criteria. In the end the things we judge about each other from number of children to homemade meals really do not matter. Feel free to assess my so called pathetic Mormon attempt at obedience, I really don't care. That female emotion left me a long time ago. My guilt monitor is virtually non-existent. I don't have time nor the desire to impress anyone....I can only be me. I can only be a Mormon like I am a Mormon, or I won't be one. Take it or leave it and leave the kingdom assigning to Him who is perfect for He looks on a persons heart and not whether they pay their tithing on the net or the gross. Thanks.

Monica Lewinsky

Seriously, if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me...

MORMON IDENTITY THEFT

For I cannot think that GOD Almighty ever made them [women] so delicate, so glorious creatures; and furnished them with such charms, so agreeable and so delightful to mankind; with souls capable of the same accomplishments with men: and all, to be only Stewards of our Houses, Cooks, and Slaves.” ~Daniel Defoe

I’d like to B&M for just a moment about those great women I know who get married or serious in a relationship and have a complete identity crisis, over-haul? They become in action and passions their husbands/boyfriends. SO, Two questions, first did your husband first take you out because you were his mini-me?? NO! Second, do you really like hunting black bear and camping for vacation??? (Even when you are preggo, yes this really happened with a friend of mine who used to love music and dancing) Liars All if you think that we are buying this farse! It is my belief that if men and women, husbands and wives are being honest with each other we both want and need each other’s differences. So, why is it that so many women loose themselves when they get married and start having children??? I find this most often with my Mormon friends. I am not understating the fact that marriage means that some changes are necessary, but I believe that happily married (honest) couples are ones that want to spend time with one another, and WITHOUT one another. These couples understand that having time to pursue one’s own interests brings life and experience to the relationship. And while we are on the subject, can I just say that I am single, don’t have kids, and I really don’t want every conversation that we have to be about yours!! (Kids or husbands, that is) I want to be able to talk to you about your interests and while I recognize that husbands and kids are a big part of your life, will you please find other useless facts to bring to a lunch conversation besides the color of the poop in the diaper??? I really don’t think that it is too much to ask. I know that family, family, family is drilled into us as Mormon Women and there is nothing in my life that is more important to me than mine. But focusing on family and making them a priority does not mean that that you as an intelligent, mother and wife should not have other interests; interests and knowledge that will enrich not only your life, but the lives of your husband and children. The truly selfish woman is one whose life is so out of balance that she is miserable in a role that is truly divine.

Miss Bennett~

THE CULTURE OF PERFECT APPEARANCES

Life in the Mormon lane can be kind of hectic. Between callings and pretending to be perfect all the time, well it gets exhausting. We all have pressures of perfection in each of our differing walks of life and we all strive to maintain high appearances. I am not one of those. I don't care. I should probably feel more guilt for my continued inappropriate bitching and outbursts, but for me there are just things I don't think God cares about. If God does care that I didn't make 4500 scrap books, 600 lame bead necklaces, 4 million gourmet meals and vinyl boards that say spiritual sh** to make me look totally Mo-Mo, then I'm out. I should preface this post by saying that I have a firm testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and when I call into question the ridiculousness of our culture, I in no way mean that the church and its doctrine are ridiculous. My faith is not waning, but my desire to conform is at an all-time low in the sense of screw you and the box you try to put me in.
Mormons do have a little box they try to ram you into and if you aren't in that pretty little packaged up bow, you may as well forget any of the leadership callings in your ward, you are a rebel and a liability and probably going to go in-active. You will get calls if you skip one week of church because in the back of every one's mind it is just a matter of time before that wild one goes completely the way of the world...maybe it's true. It's fine, we don't want some crazed person leading and guiding our precious sisters. What does this pretty packaged box look like? By all attempts and purposes the look is extremely important. All church-going people at some point want to say "can we just get on with it, I am missing the Super Bowl. Say the closing prayer damnit!" and if you don't, you are more Celestial than I and please come visit the Telestial kingdom sometime. The look I am talking about is however one of beauty, this is where the idea of perfection has gone. Thin put together women with scads of kids. These kids don't speak during sacrament meeting and will know their articles of faith before they "graduate" primary. These perfect families have kids who will bear their testimonies regularly and fold their arms when the go to the restroom during sacrament meeting. They have been raised by skinny flash card moms who micro-manage the PTA and the poor teacher teaching their kid in school. This woman also cooks every night, may home school her children and is a freak in bed for her husband so he doesn't look at porn. She exercises so she can say yea this great body has squeezed out 6 kids and I am a hot Mom. She scrapbooks, makes jewelry, hits the boutique to spend her husbands huge paychecks, drives an Escalade, makes Martha type meals for families who need it because she certainly does not and she does it all with a broom up her butt while she sweeps her beautiful brand new wood floor because her house is immaculate and decorated to the HILT! It's what we Mormon women strive for. Am I jealous? HELL YES! Perfection in the form of real housewives of Mormon county. It's our vision of the "blessings" they promise us in church. If you keep the commandments you will be beautiful, your children will be too, your husband will make loads of money and you will be worshipped and envied by all who want what you have in the ward and neighborhood. It's a freaking postcard life and by damn, I want it! Perfection in the form of worldly appearances. Somehow I don't think this is what is meant by perfection in the scriptures. Perfection. Women and a lot of men, have twisted and perverted its meaning. We have created little Stepford lives and have ignored God's intent. Is perfection really about our appearance? It's a sin-drome, not a commandment if you ask me. This is temporal perfection, not spiritual. A person who is spiritually perfected does not strive to raise themselves above others, they are not so concerned with the things of this world. Now that is not to say having these things is bad, but we must be careful to not place a lot of spiritual validity or equate blessings on material possessions.
I don't have this fairytale life and while my life is at times good, it's no postcard. There are times when it sucks and most Mormons look at people with adversity like they would look at a Tiger walking down the street. Hmmm....what commandment do you think they broke to bring on such wrath from God?? Maybe they don't pay their tithing or at least not enough tithing. They probably don't attend the Temple enough. Maybe they broke the sabbath regularly or have a coke once in a while. What ever it is, we will pray that they get back on track so their adverse life will once again be blessed, like ours. June Cleaver never had it so good.
I sometimes hate Mormons, and I am one. Imagine that? Take your perfect lives and shove it. I live in the real world and I don't have the time to fake it. Take it from me, life is great AND it sucks and that is how it is for all of Gods children. I can't stand fake, Boobs or otherwise, but that is a different post. What is up with Mormon women and fake boobs??? Anyway you are all invited to my jacked-up messy Mormon life....
Chaka Khan

SINGLE MORMON FEMALE HELL

being single certainly has its perks. and by perks i mean suicidal thoughts. let's break it down. if you're not blonde or thin or stupid or naive or all of the above, then chances are you won't be having a date this weekend. or this next year. because boys like ignorance. take it from me, i'm abrasive and opinionated and stubborn and hilarious and hold eye contact until the male specimen tucks his tail between his legs and runs away. oh and i try to be anything but ignorant. and are the boys knocking down my front door? no. no they're not. why? because the boys are too busy chasing after the bedazzled jeans and the teased hair and ever-present cleavage. and notice how i call them boys. not men. BOYS. the men are nowhere to be found. heaven forbid a man in a sharp suit saunters into a room looking for an equally sharp girl to share an intellectual conversation with. that's absurd. but the boys are everywhere, running around trying to dry hump the first girl who bats an eye at them. i've decided that the dating scene sucks. it's one giant game. and us girls are mere pawns on the board. guy meets girl. guy flirts with girl. girl flirts back by laughing at all of his stupid jokes. guy and girl makeout. girl becomes smitten. guy forgets girl's name. girl cries a little. guy spots a new girl. and the vicious cycle spins on. soemtimes i think it would be so much easier to join a convent.

Kate

I'm Every Woman

This is a blog about women and more specifically, Mormon women. We are single, married, young, old, mothers, educated, opinionated, sophisticated and most importantly, beautiful, if we do say so ourselves. We have something to say and here is where we will say it. This is the inner workings of our minds and if you care to join us we will take you on our journey through womanhood and Mormonhood. We will tell it like it is, so read at your own risk. You will be offended. You will sometimes cheer, laugh, cry, get angry or heaven forbid disagree. We will not change our thoughts and our feelings for anyone.
Being a woman in this day and age is not easy. Couple that with trying to be religious and the pressure to live up to cultural expectations. It can at times be sheer hell(Oh yea there will be swearing). Joseph Smith once said that women by nature were nurturing and charitable. I think this is true, however, he didn't mention that we are also petty, competitive, moody, cliquish, back-biting gossipers, judgemental, self-righteous and total bitches. Not all of the time do we show the ugly head of ovary-action aka over-reaction to things not within our control. But from time to time we have less than desirable traits as females. Reconciling extreme emotion in a man's world is cumbersome at best and here we will conquer our fears and give it and our frustrations a voice, and good golly Molly yes, we have them. When you are Mormon there is a clash of 2 worlds. One is THE WORLD and the other is God's Kingdom. The two don't always peaceably co-exist so let the therapy begin. This blog is an information, frustration and confession center and is not for the faint of heart. We will bitch and we will moan. A LOT.
There is more than one author on this blog and all writers will remain anonymous for extreme authenticity. Kudos to Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad for giving me this idea for a blog....I stole the name from them, partially.
Get ready for some straight talk, and if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen....not that THAT is where a woman should be.

Emma