A few days ago, I ran across a post entitled "Unreasonable Expectations" in the May archives of bycommonconsent.com, a Mormon blogsite. The post was an interesting meditation on the little things that make marriage tick - specifically things of the looking good for your spouse variety. Although far from the ball and chain myself (haha), I was intrigued by the author's take on making an effort to be hot even after children - and he wasn't suggesting a big, chauvinistic liposuction/peroxide overhaul, either. The author began with the story of a stake member's divorce from his wife for a younger woman, due, according to his ex, to her weight gain during their marriage. Interesting as was the story itself, however, the comments were even better. While the women commenting denounced with cheerful vitriol the unnamed divorcee for his actions, even if it was more than his wife's weight gain that caused the split, a very blunt man (as only men can so marvelously and unfortunately be) hopped on the comments and simply stated that women all underestimate how important it is to men that we look good.
I have to wonder a little at this man's reasoning. Perhaps it stems from the "love me as I am" rhetoric that our self-esteem-obsessed culture loves to spout? And he felt that women take it much too far in excusing their weight, skin, looks, whatever? Possibly. I'm a little surprised at his view, though. I feel that women are all too conscious of the importance of looking hot enough. And I'm not just pointing out the women who starve themselves almost literally to death or spend all their time at the gym. I think our society likes to remind us FAR more than is necessary that men like unquestionably stunning women.
Did this man realize that this is a ready-made excuse for women to only improve their appearance? I realize that there's a fair share of high school boys and Peter Pans out there who'd love a woman with nothing but a fine ass and a thick head of silky hair and perfect skin, but those men grow mercifully fewer as they grow up. At the very least, men want a girl who can prop up her leg of a conversation, am I right? And most would like one with a decent amount of intelligence, confidence, and compassion. To say nothing of one who's not going to spend her life nagging her man. It's a dangerous thing, this telling women that the number one prerequisite for men is a great face, or boobs, or legs, butt, flat stomach, etc. Because, while I willingly admit that this is important to men, I think men make too big a deal of talking about it. It's not that I don't think they have a right to lust after hot women. I know I practice my own God-given right to lust after them, so by any child's law of fairness I cheerfully accept it. Men just don't also make it a point to say that hot AND interesting must usually come together.
I would argue that in fact, women everywhere underestimate the importance of interesting, as opposed to the importance of hot. And I'm going to say that it would help us all out if men reminded us more often how hot interesting is. Why don't they? Seriously. A great deal of men LOVE the way a woman looks if she spends her every waking hour with a personal trainer, stylist, or commission-paid salesperson. If they ever have the good fortune (or misfortune, I suppose) to meet this woman, I have no doubt that a large number of them would spend every hour with her wishing they were somewhere else while she talked about her new skirt and shoes, whether she should go blond again, and how long she spent on a treadmill today. [And ladies, if you do take good care of yourself, I'm not calling you vapid. Please don't think that. I make an effort to do the same. I am, however, saying that if all you ever did with your time was take good care of yourself, you might be.] So, reason number one for men to find another platform for their "Ways Women Should Work Harder If They Want Dates" campaign - you may very well be improving the look of your selection, but it's not going to matter all THAT much if the girl you pick is horrible, quiet, or just downright boring. Oh, and don't think you're getting off on the "Well, at least there'll be more hotties for me to make out with" argument - just see mormon bachelor pad's last three paragraphs from "How To Kiss" of last month for my rebuttal. :)
Neither boys nor girls should ever forget that men appreciate more than just a pretty face.
Jacky Faber
Jacky is a guest author here at MMP and we think she should be a permanent one! Thanks Jacky...
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The Problem Lies In....
Posted by Confessions from a Mormon Maxi-Pad at 10:54 AM
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10 ovary-actions:
oh my gosh. i hate this. to divorce a woman because she got fat after bearing your children is disgusting. of course she should lose the weight FOR HERSELF. to feel better both physically and emotionally. no one enjoys being fat.
i think your points about being an interesting person are dead on. even pretty faces and hot bodies can get boring.
every sunday i see women pushing or totally breaking the traditional code of modesty in order to be "hot". what example are we setting for our young women?
that men only prize us for our bodies and our looks?
yikes. what a horrible message to send. of course we want to look our best, but at what cost?
I agree with the above comment 100%
Love me how I am at my worst not just my best.
I have to comment on this post! Let's face it male or female the first thing we recognize about each other is whether or not we are not physically attracted to one another it will NEVER happen if we are not first attracted to one another. It is not human (or just nature) nature to "pursue" a relationship with another person that we are not first physically attracted to. I would argue that as we get to know that person, and find them interesting they will become more and more desirable. In my opinion if I am attracted to someone physically and I am then given the opportunity to find out they are boring or we have nothing in common that person goes from the "attractive" column to the "eye candy" column. We should always strive to be our best selves. I also believe that men are give a far more lenient pass when it comes to the "whoa he/she sure has let him/her self go" area. It is sad to me that our society has placed such a high value on something as fickle as physical appearance, and as much as it seems like a contradiction, I also believe that we need to take care of our physical bodies as part of our mortal stewardship. I would state that caring for our bodies and NOT altering or mutilating them is the big difference. I also think that if a woman wants to nip and tuck a little that should be up to her! How's that for a crazy set of opinions? I find myself surrounded by amazing women of every shape and size and I am regularly stunned by the men who pass them up for a better set of T&A. How damaging to women the incessant need to be physically acceptable. It is my belief that men just think that they want to have Angelina Jolie on their arm, and then when they have her they are appalled when all of their friends are constantly ogling her. I would leave you with this thought, Marilyn Monroe what a sex symbol in her day and many men still think that she is gorgeous, she was size 16, today’s socially acceptable women are a size 2 and are shaped more like 12 yr old boys than real women. What have we allowed society to dictate to each of our female psyches’?
First off, I have to strike down Miss Bennett's "Marilyn Monroe was a size 16 argument." Of course the unhealthily skinny style is a relatively new development, there's a big difference between 1960's Size 16 and 2010's Size 16, Marilyn was probably closer to a modern size 8 or 10. In a marketing class we actually learned that the current "Size 0"(what eve is that by the way?) was the same as a size 6 from the 1960's. Clothing manufacturers found that they could sell more clothes by lowering the sizes, women would by their brand if they were a size 4 with their jeans opposed to a size 8 or 10 in the other guys...
I don't have unrealistic expectations of what women should look like, I mean, we can oogle at the models and actresses in magazines all we want but in the end this is reality.
To be painfully honest, I have to admit if my wife started really packing it on(and I'm not talking like 20 pounds) and I didn't I'd start to wonder about the effort she was putting in. At the same time, if I started packing it on, I would understand if she started to feel the same way. Let's face it, you could meet the most interesting person in the world and if you're not physically attracted to them, you're not going to want to marry them.
I heard somewhere that you can increase the chance that your marriage will succeed by keeping within 25-30 lbs. of your weight on your wedding day. I'd expect that from my future wife, but of course I'll expect the same thing from myself.
hmmm... I'm a little concerned y'all missed the point by a bit. The fault of my writing, absolutely, but let me set you straight - I'm not saying that boys shouldn't want someone who's attractive. I'm not saying girls shouldn't try to be attractive - on the contrary, I think that's very important in dating. This post was merely me saying that girls shouldn't JUST fixate on being hot, because most men aren't really interested in a woman who's just hot. And men should help us out by not JUST talking about how much they like hot, because really, we got that.
Wait... you, as a woman, know that looks aren't the only way to get a man?
Not all men, anyway. Is that sarcastic disbelief that I've realized that or doubt in my powers of observation because I'm a woman passing judgment on men?
Waiting on a sister missionary: just to clarify, my comment about Marilyn Monroe and size was less about the actual size number and more about the fact that the way society has defined what is "hot" changes and has done so regularly over time...
Jacky- The first. Sometimes it feels like women find appearance so paramount in their hunt, that they use their physical appeal as an excuse to remain ignorant of current events, or stay silent on during stimulating conversation. I can't speak for all men but, while physical attractiveness is the first step, what's in your head can change my perception of what is on it.
Ms. Bennett- I know what you meant I'm just saying that using Marilyn Monroe's size 16 compared to the acceptable numbers today, you have to realize that the "size number" has gone down but the actually size hasn't that much. The problem is that being skinny has been a goal of women since the 1600's, case and point: The Corset. I think Marilyn Monroe, it's true she wasn't as skinny as models today, would be a better example of how, while women are preoccupied with numbers, weight, size, etc., men care more about how you carry it, how you "own it."
I think I will pipe in here. There is a standard of beauty that the world buys into and that rule goes for men and women. There are plenty of men I find unattractive. Example, I don't like skinny guys. I prefer men who are more manly and beefy. It's a preference. Men also have a preference and this is fine with me. There are men I find attractive and my friends do not. Does that mean they are unattractive? No. The same goes for women. I think the disconnect is when men and women both have standards of beauty that have more to do with the ideal and less to do with reality. Most men who like the stripper looking woman will soon find out that this woman also is high maintenance and I KNOW men hate HM women. So they attract this type or even marry this type and are unhappy with the self obsessed woman and a man's natural tendency towards jealousy doesn't like the gawking of his woman by other men which is what she wants and gets. He then looks for a woman who is less obsessed with her looks and is a more natural woman with substance...and why is it we deem her less attractive? Because society has taught this man by stimulating his hormones that a certain woman is what he likes when in reality he liked a porn star and now he likes a real woman who is indeed attractive but not according to society, but according to his own standard which is now legit and real.
Men who are obsessed with weight are fixated on their visual stimulation and not on the emotional aspect of sex. Emotion and sex are difficult for most men and when it comes to the bedroom they like the effort to be about them and because they are continually stimulated by the visual this is what they demand by their wife. When they get emotional this is less important. Trust me. Men do like women with substance but the issues lie more with intimacy than with stimuli.
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