ANALYZE THIS...

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f**k on." ~Tupac Shakur

As women, especially single women (okay maybe that is just my frame of reference because I am single) we have a tendency to analyze and OVER- analyze everything! It is one of my pet peeves! It drives me crazy when I catch myself doing it, and it makes me even more crazy when my girl friends find themselves caught in the vicious loop of seemingly never ending “what if’s.” Such a big part of avoiding this is having a little confidence. STOP second guessing everything. I am not sure what it is about being female that leaves us so vulnerable to this colossal waste of time and energy. One seemingly unimportant example of this is found in the following experience: I was talking to my friend Jane, and she was literally falling all over herself because a certain male friend had called and asked her to join him for a trip to a Suns Basketball game last week. In an effort to avoid assuming anything Jane asked this gentleman how much the tickets would cost, intending to pay for hers. He proceeded to tell her “I’ve got the tickets.” Rather than just being insanely excited and grateful, Jane proceeded to worry and analyze over every possible implication for the better part of the day leading up to the game. Now correct me if I am making assumptions, but my advice to her was, Say “Thank you!” Have a great time at the game and offer to pay for snacks or drinks at the game if you are feeling the need to contribute to the evening. Don’t ruin the anticipation of the event by analyzing before hand. Oh and BTW analyzing after the fact is useless too! We can’t change events that have already happened and we can’t force the things to come. As women we need to be confident, strong, and stop worrying about what other people think, it doesn’t matter. Be true to yourself and to your choices that is where strong powerful women are found. And when we exhibit strength and power that is what we attract to ourselves in people and experiences.

Miss Bennett

***Names changed to protect the worrier

JUDGMENTAL CALL

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. ~ Mother Theresa


I have to admit I have been extremely judgmental lately. Not in the sense of I am better than you because I keep the commandments with more precision and accuracy, but in the sense of you are self-righteous and I don't like you. I judge the judgmental, but isn't that the same thing? I suppose I am judging the self aptitude of what each individual Mormon deems important to obtain celestial glory. But it's all judgment and quite frankly I can judge with the best of them.
In-active Mormons judge the pompous Mormons who they think sit around and gag at their weak drive to be valiant. Some grandiose Mormons cringe at the casualness of some LDS folks and actually think that a persons salvation is tied to their caffeine consumption. Self-righteous Mormons judge the half-baked Mormons who go to church but show up 10 to 15 minutes late and might even take the sacrament with OMG, their left hand. They are called back row Mormons or Jack Mormons and are clearly not leadership material and surely you can't trust them to organize a ward activity that will be completely brag worthy. Categorically speaking, Mormons are judgmental and I feel the need at times, to judge the judging.
Is watching to occasional R rated movie really the slippery slope to more grievous sins and future drug and porn addiction? Or is it a matter of obedience that we follow the trivial and completely ridiculous interpretations of what is required to enter into God's glory? I once had a visiting teacher scold me for not attending a Women's Conference as directed by the Stake President. Really? Am I kicked out of the top kingdom for such frivolity? I told her literally to come down and visit me in the Telestial kingdom sometime when she has a chance for she is much better than I. Her harsh judgment is what I judge. It is nonsense to attach my heavenly reward to such trivial matters. And so I judge with harshness the judgment of the haughty and Pharisee type Mormons who attach our salvation to their own perfection and not Christs atonement. I need the atonement and for all of the meetings I skip and callings I say no to, I presume He will make up the difference. After all I can do does not mean creating silly requirements equivalent to the doctrine of leaving the lights on so you don't have to work by flipping a switch on the Shabbat. And yet, we must watch closely lest we slip into disbelief. But for me go ahead and judge, because you better believe I am judging you....harshly.
Women judge women the harshest of all. We take one look at another woman and make a complete assessment up and down about her. She dresses like crap, she hasn't lost her baby weight yet, her husband is a dork and doesn't make very much money, she would look better if she wore her hair this way....and on and on and on. It's all true. Women are petty. We are the judges and the jury's of not only our spiritual selves, but also a woman's ability to have one foot in the tall and spacious building while playing the good Mormon part. The admonition is not "judge not" the admonition is to judge righteously and yet how can we know what is truly in a another woman's heart? So we are all in the same judgment boat of sinking criteria. In the end the things we judge about each other from number of children to homemade meals really do not matter. Feel free to assess my so called pathetic Mormon attempt at obedience, I really don't care. That female emotion left me a long time ago. My guilt monitor is virtually non-existent. I don't have time nor the desire to impress anyone....I can only be me. I can only be a Mormon like I am a Mormon, or I won't be one. Take it or leave it and leave the kingdom assigning to Him who is perfect for He looks on a persons heart and not whether they pay their tithing on the net or the gross. Thanks.

Monica Lewinsky

Seriously, if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me...

MORMON IDENTITY THEFT

For I cannot think that GOD Almighty ever made them [women] so delicate, so glorious creatures; and furnished them with such charms, so agreeable and so delightful to mankind; with souls capable of the same accomplishments with men: and all, to be only Stewards of our Houses, Cooks, and Slaves.” ~Daniel Defoe

I’d like to B&M for just a moment about those great women I know who get married or serious in a relationship and have a complete identity crisis, over-haul? They become in action and passions their husbands/boyfriends. SO, Two questions, first did your husband first take you out because you were his mini-me?? NO! Second, do you really like hunting black bear and camping for vacation??? (Even when you are preggo, yes this really happened with a friend of mine who used to love music and dancing) Liars All if you think that we are buying this farse! It is my belief that if men and women, husbands and wives are being honest with each other we both want and need each other’s differences. So, why is it that so many women loose themselves when they get married and start having children??? I find this most often with my Mormon friends. I am not understating the fact that marriage means that some changes are necessary, but I believe that happily married (honest) couples are ones that want to spend time with one another, and WITHOUT one another. These couples understand that having time to pursue one’s own interests brings life and experience to the relationship. And while we are on the subject, can I just say that I am single, don’t have kids, and I really don’t want every conversation that we have to be about yours!! (Kids or husbands, that is) I want to be able to talk to you about your interests and while I recognize that husbands and kids are a big part of your life, will you please find other useless facts to bring to a lunch conversation besides the color of the poop in the diaper??? I really don’t think that it is too much to ask. I know that family, family, family is drilled into us as Mormon Women and there is nothing in my life that is more important to me than mine. But focusing on family and making them a priority does not mean that that you as an intelligent, mother and wife should not have other interests; interests and knowledge that will enrich not only your life, but the lives of your husband and children. The truly selfish woman is one whose life is so out of balance that she is miserable in a role that is truly divine.

Miss Bennett~

THE CULTURE OF PERFECT APPEARANCES

Life in the Mormon lane can be kind of hectic. Between callings and pretending to be perfect all the time, well it gets exhausting. We all have pressures of perfection in each of our differing walks of life and we all strive to maintain high appearances. I am not one of those. I don't care. I should probably feel more guilt for my continued inappropriate bitching and outbursts, but for me there are just things I don't think God cares about. If God does care that I didn't make 4500 scrap books, 600 lame bead necklaces, 4 million gourmet meals and vinyl boards that say spiritual sh** to make me look totally Mo-Mo, then I'm out. I should preface this post by saying that I have a firm testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and when I call into question the ridiculousness of our culture, I in no way mean that the church and its doctrine are ridiculous. My faith is not waning, but my desire to conform is at an all-time low in the sense of screw you and the box you try to put me in.
Mormons do have a little box they try to ram you into and if you aren't in that pretty little packaged up bow, you may as well forget any of the leadership callings in your ward, you are a rebel and a liability and probably going to go in-active. You will get calls if you skip one week of church because in the back of every one's mind it is just a matter of time before that wild one goes completely the way of the world...maybe it's true. It's fine, we don't want some crazed person leading and guiding our precious sisters. What does this pretty packaged box look like? By all attempts and purposes the look is extremely important. All church-going people at some point want to say "can we just get on with it, I am missing the Super Bowl. Say the closing prayer damnit!" and if you don't, you are more Celestial than I and please come visit the Telestial kingdom sometime. The look I am talking about is however one of beauty, this is where the idea of perfection has gone. Thin put together women with scads of kids. These kids don't speak during sacrament meeting and will know their articles of faith before they "graduate" primary. These perfect families have kids who will bear their testimonies regularly and fold their arms when the go to the restroom during sacrament meeting. They have been raised by skinny flash card moms who micro-manage the PTA and the poor teacher teaching their kid in school. This woman also cooks every night, may home school her children and is a freak in bed for her husband so he doesn't look at porn. She exercises so she can say yea this great body has squeezed out 6 kids and I am a hot Mom. She scrapbooks, makes jewelry, hits the boutique to spend her husbands huge paychecks, drives an Escalade, makes Martha type meals for families who need it because she certainly does not and she does it all with a broom up her butt while she sweeps her beautiful brand new wood floor because her house is immaculate and decorated to the HILT! It's what we Mormon women strive for. Am I jealous? HELL YES! Perfection in the form of real housewives of Mormon county. It's our vision of the "blessings" they promise us in church. If you keep the commandments you will be beautiful, your children will be too, your husband will make loads of money and you will be worshipped and envied by all who want what you have in the ward and neighborhood. It's a freaking postcard life and by damn, I want it! Perfection in the form of worldly appearances. Somehow I don't think this is what is meant by perfection in the scriptures. Perfection. Women and a lot of men, have twisted and perverted its meaning. We have created little Stepford lives and have ignored God's intent. Is perfection really about our appearance? It's a sin-drome, not a commandment if you ask me. This is temporal perfection, not spiritual. A person who is spiritually perfected does not strive to raise themselves above others, they are not so concerned with the things of this world. Now that is not to say having these things is bad, but we must be careful to not place a lot of spiritual validity or equate blessings on material possessions.
I don't have this fairytale life and while my life is at times good, it's no postcard. There are times when it sucks and most Mormons look at people with adversity like they would look at a Tiger walking down the street. Hmmm....what commandment do you think they broke to bring on such wrath from God?? Maybe they don't pay their tithing or at least not enough tithing. They probably don't attend the Temple enough. Maybe they broke the sabbath regularly or have a coke once in a while. What ever it is, we will pray that they get back on track so their adverse life will once again be blessed, like ours. June Cleaver never had it so good.
I sometimes hate Mormons, and I am one. Imagine that? Take your perfect lives and shove it. I live in the real world and I don't have the time to fake it. Take it from me, life is great AND it sucks and that is how it is for all of Gods children. I can't stand fake, Boobs or otherwise, but that is a different post. What is up with Mormon women and fake boobs??? Anyway you are all invited to my jacked-up messy Mormon life....
Chaka Khan

SINGLE MORMON FEMALE HELL

being single certainly has its perks. and by perks i mean suicidal thoughts. let's break it down. if you're not blonde or thin or stupid or naive or all of the above, then chances are you won't be having a date this weekend. or this next year. because boys like ignorance. take it from me, i'm abrasive and opinionated and stubborn and hilarious and hold eye contact until the male specimen tucks his tail between his legs and runs away. oh and i try to be anything but ignorant. and are the boys knocking down my front door? no. no they're not. why? because the boys are too busy chasing after the bedazzled jeans and the teased hair and ever-present cleavage. and notice how i call them boys. not men. BOYS. the men are nowhere to be found. heaven forbid a man in a sharp suit saunters into a room looking for an equally sharp girl to share an intellectual conversation with. that's absurd. but the boys are everywhere, running around trying to dry hump the first girl who bats an eye at them. i've decided that the dating scene sucks. it's one giant game. and us girls are mere pawns on the board. guy meets girl. guy flirts with girl. girl flirts back by laughing at all of his stupid jokes. guy and girl makeout. girl becomes smitten. guy forgets girl's name. girl cries a little. guy spots a new girl. and the vicious cycle spins on. soemtimes i think it would be so much easier to join a convent.

Kate

I'm Every Woman

This is a blog about women and more specifically, Mormon women. We are single, married, young, old, mothers, educated, opinionated, sophisticated and most importantly, beautiful, if we do say so ourselves. We have something to say and here is where we will say it. This is the inner workings of our minds and if you care to join us we will take you on our journey through womanhood and Mormonhood. We will tell it like it is, so read at your own risk. You will be offended. You will sometimes cheer, laugh, cry, get angry or heaven forbid disagree. We will not change our thoughts and our feelings for anyone.
Being a woman in this day and age is not easy. Couple that with trying to be religious and the pressure to live up to cultural expectations. It can at times be sheer hell(Oh yea there will be swearing). Joseph Smith once said that women by nature were nurturing and charitable. I think this is true, however, he didn't mention that we are also petty, competitive, moody, cliquish, back-biting gossipers, judgemental, self-righteous and total bitches. Not all of the time do we show the ugly head of ovary-action aka over-reaction to things not within our control. But from time to time we have less than desirable traits as females. Reconciling extreme emotion in a man's world is cumbersome at best and here we will conquer our fears and give it and our frustrations a voice, and good golly Molly yes, we have them. When you are Mormon there is a clash of 2 worlds. One is THE WORLD and the other is God's Kingdom. The two don't always peaceably co-exist so let the therapy begin. This blog is an information, frustration and confession center and is not for the faint of heart. We will bitch and we will moan. A LOT.
There is more than one author on this blog and all writers will remain anonymous for extreme authenticity. Kudos to Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad for giving me this idea for a blog....I stole the name from them, partially.
Get ready for some straight talk, and if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen....not that THAT is where a woman should be.

Emma