THE NOT-SO HOT POWER PLAYERS OF HOLLYWOOD

Hollywood has its own hotness scale and I don't share its opinion on what male should get top dollar. For women the scale is super skinny, full lips, huge fake boobs and hair extensions. For men it seems HOLLY is going for a smaller type male mainly because women are getting smaller and younger so the leading role for a male has to go to the smallest guy out there. It's sickening to say the least. We women need real men who can kick the crap out of other men and big fake computerized monsters, not skinny girlie men with no....well you get the point. Here are the men who get the big time movie roles but who I think ARE NOT HOT!! In no particular order...

#1 Tom Cruise: Yep I said it. Tom is not HOT. Tom is not just a weird couch jumper who whores around after taller women than him, but his charisma is down, down, down. He got a little too Risky about his Business and maybe one mistress and one wife left would have kept us wooing, but 3 or 4? Not so much. You Tom, are not hot.


#2 Jude Law: I get so tired of looking at Jude. Hey Jude, take a sad song and make it better...but you don't. You just make it worse. You are way too skinny, I need some man meat okay. No guy I find attractive is gonna go flying off with any kite we decide to fly together. No offense, but like Tom you are way too girlie for my liking and your accent makes you sound even girlier....not to mention your getting it on with your nanny. Ew.



#3 Brad Pitt: Brad has this annoying hairy caveman thing going on. I hate kissing men with beards. Don't get me wrong, men with goatee's are friggin HOT, but Grizzly Adams is way too Brillo-pad stinky for any female turn on. Plus, Brad just isn't hot anymore. He seems so into his Bragelina romps for any other woman to escape into Bradland and quite frankly ever since "A River Runs Through It" Brad has sucked it up with the movies. Brad is excused from the Hot roster mainly for his hairy bad movie and gross life partner act....



#4 Mel Gibson: I used to Love you like Juliet loved Romeo Mel, but you blew it. You and your capitalizing on the suffering of the Savior was too much for me and that goes without your drunk driving and your currently gallivanting around with your mistress after leaving your wife and 7 children. DIS GUST ING. You Mel, are no longer HOT....oh yea, and you are an anti-Semite. YO!
Oh and lay off the booze, it's giving you puffy bags under your eyes....uggly.



#5 George Clooney: George you are way too opinionated and you hurt the ears of us who know more than you. You are a primadonna movie star that thinks you and you alone can save Haiti. You are not attractive because you can't commit to one woman. Most men will think that is a bonus and want to be you, but to women....that sucks. Kudos for not marrying and cheating, but at some point your pecker has got to find a home. Sorry folks, a little rated R. George is not HOT!



#6 Johnny Depp: I know I may get killed for this one but I don't care. Johnny as a pirate, Willy Wonka or some weirdo in Alice in Weirdoland, Johnny is not HOT. Johnny has some disclaimer in his blood that says you can't rip on him because he can "act". Not me, don't care. He may be able to act like a pirate but he is not attractive. He is greasy and probably does more drugs than CVS. He likes France more than the USA and that kills the deal. Johnny looks like a strung out crackhead....PERIOD.



Just keeping it real.

Marilyn Monroe

WANTED: POSTS BY SINGLE DUDES OR CHICKS...BRING IT!!

I would love to have some single or married MAN perspective...and of course more from the ladies....send posts to mormonmaxipad@gmail.com

SWEATIN' THE SMALL STUFF....LIKE WE ALWAYS DO!

FEMINISM AND THE MORMON WOMAN

In the modern world feminism has more to do with victimology than it does with the empowerment of women. Feminists of today have attempted to place women in a political and philosophical box rather than define womanhood through true equality. Feminism has been defined by contemporaries as a woman's right to get an abortion. Termed "reproductive rights" the feminist factions of today hyper-focus on this issue and are one dimensional ideologues inflecting women as weak victims who need elitist academics to define their roles in society, rather than each woman determining her own destiny. A pro-life woman is a product of "the man" and her weak psyche when in reality a pro-life woman probably has more control over her life than one who believes abortion is proper birth control. The pro-life woman is more likely to act responsibly in her sex life and to assume that pro-life women are uneducated celibates is ludicrous stereotyping. We are very aware of our vagina's and how babies are made thank you and it may shock most of you to know we are ladies on the street and freaks in the sheets.
As Mormon women, we are up against a machine of imposed self-centered criteria that places women in categories that are detrimental to women and our cause of equality and self-determination. To be a feminist by today's standards you must be career and education driven, sexually liberated and promiscuous, deem all men misogynists and prefer these qualities to motherhood or wife-hood.
A traditional view of women is not accepted in today's feminist definition of liberation. If you are a stay at home mom, love your husband, go to church and like it, then you are oppressed and an affront to all women in the 21st century. How is a woman's right to "choose" what is best for her oppression? And why does the worlds definition of womanhood discount a woman embracing traditional values? If you are truly liberated according to feminist philosophy, you must shun religious and traditional thought. Sounds like a police state of thought and a one dimensional thinking. Women have begun to thrive on their victimhood rather than empowering themselves as individuals. We have become collective thought mongers who define what is and is not oppressive. Deranged, paranoid and psychologically confused are most women of today. We are expected to have careers, raise families, get an education, hold church callings and prance around like sophisticates of each genre we subscribe to. Church and the world are subscriptions we must filter as both are in conflict categorically most of the time.
Education is essential to all people. Women, Mormon or non-religious should and must educate themselves and statistically LDS women are highly educated and comparatively so to the rest of society. Women from all walks of life should be praised for whatever it is they choose to do, as long as they are asserting their agency and not succumbing to advert pressure from a domineering man or political philosophy.
Mormon women can and should embrace many aspects of modern feminism. Women in the church have a long way to go as far as being deemed equal intellects and contributors to church hierarchy. But these things are culturally and traditionally based, not doctrinally and that topic is a different post. Suffice us all to say, that religious and traditional women should get the same out-crying support that non-religious career-minded women get from activist groups, and yet....we don't. But as an LDS woman I must maintain a higher and differing standard than the world because for me I am different than a male and I in no way shape or form want to make masculine my femininity. This is the danger. Soon we are all humans with no gender or definitive life roles. I am woman hear me roar....but please don't make me take out the trash. Asserting our sexual power and getting to watch just as many naked hot men in movies and on TV is what I call women's lib. Yep, as soon as the number of hot guys pictured in ads and in magazines are equal to the amount of hot skanky pictures of women then the world is really changing and embracing our equality. Until then, we are oppressed.

Madonna

LYING LIARS WHO TELL LIES....GUYS

I love men, I really do. I like their masculinity and at the same time I want to slap their testosterone into the millennium. Now I am not saying that women are walking bags of potato chips with nothing but salty goodness on them, but men are frankly lousy until they reach the age of 40 and have been trained by a nagging bitch wife for a good 15 years, and then they die of wife stress. It's true, don't make me hit you.
A friend of mine recently met a guy on a dating website. U-huh I know, but don't act like you all don't troll those gay things cuz you do. Anyway the dude was very flirty and texted her often, emailed her and they even talked on the phone for hours a couple of times. They had good conversations and it looked like a good time to finally meet. They met at a freaking lake and went to the girls house to chat further. Now this moron had to take care of some maintenance like how he wasn't interested in having anymore kids, why he got divorced, what kind of underwear he wore, how he likes his coffee yadda yadda yadda....shut the hell up already dude!!! And yet, said girl thought well maybe he was nervous and was just being goofy and thought that even though he was a weirdo turdball maybe she would give him one more chance to be the funny nice guy from the phone, text and email, cuz that guy was no where to be found that night at the lake. So the date or whatever it was ended and she received the following email the very next day:

Sydney,
Thank you for going on a walk and hanging out the other night.

I met someone a few weeks back and we clicked but I didn't here back from them and was moving on, you know I don't date more than one gal at a time. I guess she had a family death and was out of town and is now back. We are going to give it a try and see what happens.

I don't want you to think I am one of those guys that doesn't call or anything. But, I wanted to give you the heads up.

Sincerely,
Eric



Ummm OK doofus moranus didn't know we were dating after one meeting at a lake to check each other out. Also, didn't know you needed to break-up with me after one meeting at a lake to check each other out. Nice form letter and memo: to: Eric....the kid thing is a major deal breaker so get over yourself.
OK so not all guys are Rainman, but for the most part they have illusions of single Mormon women falling all over them in desperation. These divorced single Mormon guys are from hell ladies, run. Run far, far away. Generally speaking....

MORE HOTTIES FROM THE MMP

This next hottie group of men are men who may not be the conventional, mainstream, universally opinioned hotties, but to me for various reasons, they are hott!

First is Jack Black: Dude is talented and funny. For me a lot of times funny trumps the six-pack. I can get just as many goose-bumps from a funny guy that I get from straight up lustrous hotness. I like it and it translates to excitement for my eye-balls as well. Mental stimulation sometimes does it...


Number 2 is Will Ferrell: Will Ferrell is not known for his looks. In fact I know a lot of women who gag when they see Will and a lot hate his raunchy sense of humor. This is precisely what turns me on about Will. I love dirty humor, the raunchier the better and Will is the master. He cracks me up and I would make-out and rub his hairy chest like it was an advertisement for a rip-master! Will is hot for his ability to make me laugh...sometimes it's about our funny bone and not our....well you get the point.


Number 3 is Eminem: I know for a Mormon I should be disgusted by Eminem, truth is, I'm not and as a writer I know how hard it is to pen poetry and the dude is a genius. Intellectually superior and the bad boy most women want to fix. I can't resist a puzzle and Eminem is a mystery that must be cracked. His issues are shouted from the radio waves and he makes no apologies. Therapeutic for the tormented male soul. His mommy issues make you want to nurture his self-destructive ways and admittedly so, I find this attractive. Twisted attraction....it's explosive!


Number 4 is Colin Firth: All women love sexual tension and all women love men who hate them. There is a thin line between love and hate and Mr. Darcy wreaks of cocky arrogance, the kind we love and hate. Colin is no conventional hottie, but one arrogant glance and you want him. Colin is Euro-hott!


Number 5 is Kevin James: I love Kevin James. He is as dumb as a rock and for that he is a genius. He has made millions tapping into the dumb male psyche and he is every man. Funny as hell and I like a funny guy! He makes my list no problem and his lips are luscious...HEEEYY!


And last but not least Guy Fieri: I love love love Guy! I love his personality. I love his bad boy look and I love that he seems like a family guy that knows how to party! His bling, tattoo's and lingo are hott. He is someone I could hang around and never get bored because he is a happy guy. I like happy people who see the fabulous in life amid all the shiz. Guy is money and I like the way he rolls. He would be a great roll in the hay and I would roll him any old day of the week! Triple D love right here! YO!


The only opinion that matters...mine. :)

Readings From a Girl's Mind

Have you boys ever had a girlfriend or just a friend who was a girl who seemed to have serious issues accepting herself, and perhaps were unable to understand why? If you have, I'd like to present you with a fairly accurate portrait of the thoughts of one of these ladies. Why is this helpful, you ask? Well, the next time you're tempted to talk down your last blind date to your guy friends because of her loud voice, irritating laugh, bad teeth or large nose, please remember that a little of the girl below resides in every woman you'll ever meet - even the ridiculously gorgeous and confident ones. And if you can manage it, leave your criticism to a short, honest, "She's just not my type."


There's an annoying version of me who likes to offer unsolicited advice and criticism at all times, an omnipresent voice in my head. Our conversations often sound a little like this:

“Which direction today?” I ask the girl in my head, as I try to make myself look decent for a date. She often likes to show up and direct me in a "don't get too full of yourself" pep talk at times like these.

“Well, let me tell you, getting a guy is like trying to make a really massive purchase. Beauty’s a whole lot like cash – it’s easy, it’s fast. Accepted everywhere, beauty is the most direct track to what you want. Then there’s personality. I like to think of personality as more like credit. If there’s no actual cash to back it up, you’re not going anywhere fast. And not everybody takes the kind that you have, but credit’s very useful. Most places like to know that you have good credit before they trust you with a significant loan, car, house, etc. Similarly, boys appreciate you having a good personality score, although some of them will flat out refuse you because you’re the wrong type. And then there's...”

“Intelligence,” I mumble. I know where this is going, and I wonder for a moment why I’m listening.

“Yes, what about intelligence?”

“Intelligence is like a savings account from which you can never make an extraction. Guys like the way it sounds, but they really don’t consider it as being of much use to them. Bottom line, it’s not helping.”

“Too right it’s not. And how did we classify you?”

“Upper end of intelligence spectrum, low to middling amounts of beauty, and what seems to be a really hideous personality if you’re not looking closely enough.”

"Yup. Good job, I think you're about ready for your date, don't you?"

I sigh. “It would be so nice to be as pretty as I am smart…I could just switch them - be average to a little above in intelligence (because that’s really all boys need), and a little further from average in the looks department. Everything would be so much easier..."

She laughs at me. “Don’t forget that personality of yours, hon.”

“Oh, yeah. Ah...it would be so nice to just be someone else...There's just so much that's wrong with me...”

Satisfied, the harsh other-me gets up to leave. “And don’t you forget it.”


And Ladies... Don't think you're getting off scott-free on this post. This one's a reminder for you too - we need to play nicely a lot more often, girls. This is why. We know how much it sucks to hear fourth hand that this or that girl thinks we're trampy, rude, stuck-up, ugly, etc. This post is my plea to you as much as to boys: don't bad-mouth girls when they're not around. Even the annoyingly hot ones with every boy you've ever wanted slavering all over them. I'm not perfect, so don't feel like I'm chastising you from my Clydesdale or anything. Even though I've been guilty of this too, I know how much I hate it when it comes back to me. If you've ever felt like this, please. Start playing nice with the other kids.

Jacky Faber

The Problem Lies In....

A few days ago, I ran across a post entitled "Unreasonable Expectations" in the May archives of bycommonconsent.com, a Mormon blogsite. The post was an interesting meditation on the little things that make marriage tick - specifically things of the looking good for your spouse variety. Although far from the ball and chain myself (haha), I was intrigued by the author's take on making an effort to be hot even after children - and he wasn't suggesting a big, chauvinistic liposuction/peroxide overhaul, either. The author began with the story of a stake member's divorce from his wife for a younger woman, due, according to his ex, to her weight gain during their marriage. Interesting as was the story itself, however, the comments were even better. While the women commenting denounced with cheerful vitriol the unnamed divorcee for his actions, even if it was more than his wife's weight gain that caused the split, a very blunt man (as only men can so marvelously and unfortunately be) hopped on the comments and simply stated that women all underestimate how important it is to men that we look good.

I have to wonder a little at this man's reasoning. Perhaps it stems from the "love me as I am" rhetoric that our self-esteem-obsessed culture loves to spout? And he felt that women take it much too far in excusing their weight, skin, looks, whatever? Possibly. I'm a little surprised at his view, though. I feel that women are all too conscious of the importance of looking hot enough. And I'm not just pointing out the women who starve themselves almost literally to death or spend all their time at the gym. I think our society likes to remind us FAR more than is necessary that men like unquestionably stunning women.

Did this man realize that this is a ready-made excuse for women to only improve their appearance? I realize that there's a fair share of high school boys and Peter Pans out there who'd love a woman with nothing but a fine ass and a thick head of silky hair and perfect skin, but those men grow mercifully fewer as they grow up. At the very least, men want a girl who can prop up her leg of a conversation, am I right? And most would like one with a decent amount of intelligence, confidence, and compassion. To say nothing of one who's not going to spend her life nagging her man. It's a dangerous thing, this telling women that the number one prerequisite for men is a great face, or boobs, or legs, butt, flat stomach, etc. Because, while I willingly admit that this is important to men, I think men make too big a deal of talking about it. It's not that I don't think they have a right to lust after hot women. I know I practice my own God-given right to lust after them, so by any child's law of fairness I cheerfully accept it. Men just don't also make it a point to say that hot AND interesting must usually come together.

I would argue that in fact, women everywhere underestimate the importance of interesting, as opposed to the importance of hot. And I'm going to say that it would help us all out if men reminded us more often how hot interesting is. Why don't they? Seriously. A great deal of men LOVE the way a woman looks if she spends her every waking hour with a personal trainer, stylist, or commission-paid salesperson. If they ever have the good fortune (or misfortune, I suppose) to meet this woman, I have no doubt that a large number of them would spend every hour with her wishing they were somewhere else while she talked about her new skirt and shoes, whether she should go blond again, and how long she spent on a treadmill today. [And ladies, if you do take good care of yourself, I'm not calling you vapid. Please don't think that. I make an effort to do the same. I am, however, saying that if all you ever did with your time was take good care of yourself, you might be.] So, reason number one for men to find another platform for their "Ways Women Should Work Harder If They Want Dates" campaign - you may very well be improving the look of your selection, but it's not going to matter all THAT much if the girl you pick is horrible, quiet, or just downright boring. Oh, and don't think you're getting off on the "Well, at least there'll be more hotties for me to make out with" argument - just see mormon bachelor pad's last three paragraphs from "How To Kiss" of last month for my rebuttal. :)
Neither boys nor girls should ever forget that men appreciate more than just a pretty face.

Jacky Faber

Jacky is a guest author here at MMP and we think she should be a permanent one! Thanks Jacky...

JUST FOR FUN...WHO'S HOT and WHO'S NOT??

Yea so I lust a little....er a lot. Who doesn't? Men really think that women sit around and talk about knitting and recipes and I am here to inform you men that we talk about you, your junk, your butt and your hotness and not hotness. Yep we women have libidos and we lust and fantasize just like dudes. We can be crude and when I get together with my single older married ladies, yep we talk about SEX! We talk about it a lot and we are as crude as a dude and would make even the foulest man blush. So let me introduce you to some of my lusts...ladies feel free to speak your nasty minds and let me know who is HOT and who is NOT!!
Oh Baby you are HOT!
Josh Lucas...You are my number one HOTT lust. I like the bad boys! Oh yes I do...

Ryan Reynolds...are you freaking kidding me?? Be a good boy and take your shirt off...

Shemar Moore...please don't say a word just let me look at you!! Milky Milky Cocoa Puffs!!

Channing Tatum...Good golly! Eye candy! Lips like sugar...

David Beckham....yea you are naughty and hot! I like you a lot!

Who is not? No picture for these bags: Jude Law: a freaking girl Tom Cruise:A freaking freak Brad Pitt: freaking MO FO Use to be hot but then did too many plastic surgeries and hair plugs: Matthew McConaughey: freaking plastic

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

I have a need for some more single writers. Women or men, Mormon or not....send me your funny, lame and scary dating experiences. I need some single women griping about life in singledom and I would love for some guys to give some input about women...it's all anonymous!! Just send your post to mormonmaxipad@gmail.com and you will get published....Even the R rated ones!! Thank You.

Growing Up the Project

Ever since I can remember, I have always been the project of the ward. For Mormons, it seems like we always have to be saving someone, it's what we do. We take brownies to the in-actives and are all-around do-gooders in society, our neighborhoods and of course our wards. We seek out the weak and become co-dependant baby-sitters of other people's pathetic lives. My parents were divorced when I was 5 and growing up in a "single-parent" home always dubbed me and my family the "project" in need of extra special attention. It gave the more ideal families something to do and something to be proud about, NOT being broken and all. Our situation was less than ideal and for me this is the life that has offered me many issues of course, but a lot of empathy and realness as well.
I remember one time in relief society a woman telling an experience about her more than ideal up-bringing. Her parents nightly sang to her "Teach me to Walk in the Light" before tucking her safely into bed while birds turned down her covers and singing mice did her chores while she slept. I gagged a little with some jealousy, but it was the comment that proceeded her story that caught my attention. A woman raised her hand and said that while she appreciated the wonderful upbringing of this other woman, she didn't have that experience growing up. She went on to explain that she came from a broken home with a lot of dysfunction and abuse and yet, she was here in church doing what she was supposed to do and is still a good Mormon. Her comment resonated with me. Why is it we less than desirables always end up becoming labeled and ward projects? Never mind that we have overcome far more than the average LDS member to prove our immovable faith. Ignore the fact that we are stalwart members who are breaking the chain of dysfunction and ignorance in our families making us pioneers. No credit is given to our complete devotion to our religion despite what was taught to us by our less than ideal families. Each generation doing better than the one before, it's what we are supposed to do...progress despite the mess.
I have more often than not been the assumptive member who is on the verge of releasing the Iron Rod and taking up residence in the tall and spacious building and have been labeled "the wild one" appropriately so, but make no mistake, it's not a flattering nor an accurate title. Now that I am older I am slipping further and further into the camp of "I don't care" which for all attempts and purposes, is not such a good thing. My filter is becoming more like a chain link fence with many things getting through uncensored. It sends me further down speculation highway with heads shaking and minds wandering, but for me I have no desire to appease the temptation to conform. So for now, make me some brownies and pray for me. I may just dip into the river of darkness, like you think I will. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy of insinuated future behavior.
I salute you Mormon women who are strong and faithful despite the messiness of life. I honor your fortitude and am in awe of your continued strength, despite what many may or may not label you. You amaze me. I admire those who look at their situations and life and move to quickly repair and make better vs. those who have known only harmony and ease. Your lives while admirable are not a testimony of courage, but one of provided opportunity. Nothing wrong with that, but don't assume the rest of us will falter in our ditches. We all know what it means when you ass u me...


Chelsea Clinton